Closure

For the most part, closure means when a person gets those last words from that one person that they need it from. And whether or not it's good closure (is there a such thing?), the fact of the matter is, the point has been gotten across.
Now, I always end up in the situation where I need closure. Fun. But, as fate would have it, because fate is a bitch in my personal opinion right now, I've never really gotten it. Not through words anyhow.
No. My closure comes from distance and silence. For the longest time. No phone calls, no messages, there's not even the "hey, tell her blah blah blah for me"...none of that.
So, by not receiving anything ever from my efforts, I put in more effort to get something back, which makes me seem crazy, but it only takes a few words. Even if I know deep down inside, I would rather hear it from that person's lips or at least read a message.
I would rather try than not. I would rather kick myself than wonder.

But I would also like REAL closure for once, so that I can go about my days...

On A Loop

So, lately Ive been watching a lot of Sex and the City, and its funny.....everywhere I go now, and everytime I ponder over something, I do it in much the same manner of Carrie.
On this one episode, Carrie can't get her ex-boyfriend, Aiden, out of her head. She had ended the relationship and now she missed him just because and wanted him back. After some effort, he told her of how scared he was to get back together with her and she felt like that was it. Lost cause. But, later after some thought, he went to her apartment and threw rocks at her window, and decided to give it another try....and I sighed....heavily and wistfully...

Oh if only. And isnt it funny? Because most of the time I feel as though I go through my motions as though Im in front of a camera, in front of audience. And that's just the way I function. But...sometimes, at the end of the day, the end of a lonely night, I just have to stop pretending and face facts. I am alone. I am alone and I dont want to be.

I mean, I have my friends of course and I love them....theyre what keeps me sane most of the time...but....I want someone back in my life like Carrie wanted Aiden and it kills me. And what's the really funny part is....NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING else has run through my mind for these past couple of months like he has. It's like it's on a loop, and there's nothing that can stop it. And I dont want to feel this way...I mean, I do and I dont. I want to want him....guess i have no choice, anyway...and I dont want to feel this way because he is clearly over it and I am clearly the fool.

I just want a few words. At the very least.

Desert Sunrise

People are really funny in the way that they live their life and make their choices. Just recently, Ive been diagnosed with bipolar depression and found out that this was why Ive been in pain (physically) for so long. Where does depression hurt?? everywhereWho does depression hurt?? everyonehaha.....that commercial really makes me laugh, even though I know its true.Ive been going to counseling lately for my mental heatlh...or to at least get it back...but I missed my last one and I havent been back.I feel- and always have- as though I am going to meet some tragic end. Like, there really is two sides of me...and this is not the bipolarism Im talking about either, yall!!! funny!!...its more like....okay, i am totally rambling right now, but just stick with me....I believe in signs, and Libras have two sides of them. One side is what they choose to put on display to the world as a strong, independent, carefree, confident person. And the other side..the one behind closed doors, is the innocent, naive little girl that is very self-concious about herself-physically and in every other aspect of life. And I feel as though if I keep this up....Im going to go crazy...if I havent already. Im soo tired of playing games and Im soo tired of acting like everything is okay and always being optimistic...for once, I just want certainty...certainty that I will succeed as a famous actress....certainty that whoever Im with, Im actually WITH. I dont want to worry about not getting my hopes up too high, because they are always ultimately dashed. So...the whole depression thing....one minute Im fine and the next Im crying hysterically into my pillows. I dont want to feel this way anymore. And Im also very mad at myself, because I really do believe that because of this...I made the wrong decision and am now missing someone that wont even speak to me....and it cuts me to the core. And Ive always liked being alone, having some quality time with myself, etc....but lately...well....I'll let Brett Dennen say it for me

~~And I've been waiting all this life In the company of one And I know I am young But I don't want to be alone If you could only just Consider the two of us And i know darlingI could be so good to you....

you know who you are...

To A Stranger

To A STRANGER
by: Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
PASSING stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me as of a dream,)
I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,
You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

~I had to open this blog with this particular poem by our dear Mr. Whitman. Oh my, what a romantic he was.
I am absolutely enthralled with his work. My most favorite by him is Miracles....how even the simplest things we take for granted in life should most definitly be considered miracles...
But....this poem in particular is, I believe, pretty relevant to my life right now. In the state that it's in...
...and I'll leave it at that.

Oh my. NY. NY.

Well, this is the first time that I have actually made the conscious decision to allow others into my life via my writing about it. I do write songs and poems and occasionally post them on another website, but....truth be told, sometimes its easier (and a bit more dramatic) to get my point across that way...plus, I like the compliments ;)At the moment, I am sitting in my apartment in Wilmington, with American Football (the summer ends) serenading me....beautiful. Oh my. I have to unload everything here before I go crazy. It's kinda funny, I feel weird doing this....I feel as though we should go out to dinner first or something...I dont usually feel that way....okay, rambling wayyy too much here.I am...head over heels for someone right now."Well, ambrose, that's exciting news!" you sayOh no. Oh no no no. You see the thing is, this person and me (we'll just call him NY) have not been talking for a while. The last time that we were in actual communication with each other was this past april, and I was the one that ended it. I dont really know why. I can give all the excuses that sound plausible and that Im sure anyone would find suitable, but the truth is....I really dont know. End of the school year? Afraid of getting into a relationship when I had just gotten out of one? Afraid of something too serious in general? Afraid of becoming bored? My mom was upset about the phone bill (long distance)? All of those reasons.....and you know what stands out the most? Afraid. At least that's all I see. Now, you may think, okay okay, where is this going?For the past couple of weeks, out of nowhere, NY has been on mind. Right outta left field here. And Im telling you...it's frustrating. Especially since, coming to realize the full effects of my feelings for him, and writing him a little song of sorts, and having him respond to me that he doesnt know how to respond...I make the "big gesture".Now, in hindsight, I realize that I may come of as a complete creeper, but Im willing to expose myself. To show NY how serious I was about my rekindled feelings for him, I decided to drive the 12 hrs to upstate New York where he lives. Of course, he wouldnt answer my phone calls, so my roomate that ventured with me decided to call him from her phone and asked if he would like to hang out later after he got off of work. Apparantley he laughed and agreed, telling her that he would give us a call when he got out...9 pm, receive text : Im still at work, where are you guys?cool people that we are, we were sitting in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot10:30 pm: Im still at work, maybe tomorrow?this sort of thing goes on until about midnight or so, and at 2am I call him and his phone is turned off...nice.I leave a message telling him that I actually drove up to NY to see him and that I miss him and want to talk to him. I ask him to call me back later so we can talk. He doesnt.Rejected, dejected, and every other kind of -jected, we drive the 12 hrs back the very next day. Not how I envisioned my first trip to New York.And what's really sad...I bought him a flower. It's wilted now and hanging from our living ceiling because my roomate wanted to "dry it out", whatever the reason for, I have no idea.You think that this hell of a trip would have put me in my place and made me mad at him and never want anything to do with him again, but, in retrospect, I have no right to be mad at him. It was I who ended it and he didnt even know I was coming up there. I couldnt have expected him to drop everything just to see me. Im very understanding that way. But that didnt stop the tears from coming on the drive home through pennsylvania.I havent cried since then over him, but I have been having dreams about him quite frequently, where he forgives me for being silly and we kiss....and I am incandestantly happy. Tonight, me and my little sister and my best friend all drove to the beach. The harvest moon was out and it was gorgeous, reflecting off of the water. I admit, I was feeling a bit nostalgic and I realized that the last time I was at the beach at night was with NY...Oh my. I miss him very much.