Oh my. NY. NY.

Well, this is the first time that I have actually made the conscious decision to allow others into my life via my writing about it. I do write songs and poems and occasionally post them on another website, but....truth be told, sometimes its easier (and a bit more dramatic) to get my point across that way...plus, I like the compliments ;)At the moment, I am sitting in my apartment in Wilmington, with American Football (the summer ends) serenading me....beautiful. Oh my. I have to unload everything here before I go crazy. It's kinda funny, I feel weird doing this....I feel as though we should go out to dinner first or something...I dont usually feel that way....okay, rambling wayyy too much here.I am...head over heels for someone right now."Well, ambrose, that's exciting news!" you sayOh no. Oh no no no. You see the thing is, this person and me (we'll just call him NY) have not been talking for a while. The last time that we were in actual communication with each other was this past april, and I was the one that ended it. I dont really know why. I can give all the excuses that sound plausible and that Im sure anyone would find suitable, but the truth is....I really dont know. End of the school year? Afraid of getting into a relationship when I had just gotten out of one? Afraid of something too serious in general? Afraid of becoming bored? My mom was upset about the phone bill (long distance)? All of those reasons.....and you know what stands out the most? Afraid. At least that's all I see. Now, you may think, okay okay, where is this going?For the past couple of weeks, out of nowhere, NY has been on mind. Right outta left field here. And Im telling you...it's frustrating. Especially since, coming to realize the full effects of my feelings for him, and writing him a little song of sorts, and having him respond to me that he doesnt know how to respond...I make the "big gesture".Now, in hindsight, I realize that I may come of as a complete creeper, but Im willing to expose myself. To show NY how serious I was about my rekindled feelings for him, I decided to drive the 12 hrs to upstate New York where he lives. Of course, he wouldnt answer my phone calls, so my roomate that ventured with me decided to call him from her phone and asked if he would like to hang out later after he got off of work. Apparantley he laughed and agreed, telling her that he would give us a call when he got out...9 pm, receive text : Im still at work, where are you guys?cool people that we are, we were sitting in my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot10:30 pm: Im still at work, maybe tomorrow?this sort of thing goes on until about midnight or so, and at 2am I call him and his phone is turned off...nice.I leave a message telling him that I actually drove up to NY to see him and that I miss him and want to talk to him. I ask him to call me back later so we can talk. He doesnt.Rejected, dejected, and every other kind of -jected, we drive the 12 hrs back the very next day. Not how I envisioned my first trip to New York.And what's really sad...I bought him a flower. It's wilted now and hanging from our living ceiling because my roomate wanted to "dry it out", whatever the reason for, I have no idea.You think that this hell of a trip would have put me in my place and made me mad at him and never want anything to do with him again, but, in retrospect, I have no right to be mad at him. It was I who ended it and he didnt even know I was coming up there. I couldnt have expected him to drop everything just to see me. Im very understanding that way. But that didnt stop the tears from coming on the drive home through pennsylvania.I havent cried since then over him, but I have been having dreams about him quite frequently, where he forgives me for being silly and we kiss....and I am incandestantly happy. Tonight, me and my little sister and my best friend all drove to the beach. The harvest moon was out and it was gorgeous, reflecting off of the water. I admit, I was feeling a bit nostalgic and I realized that the last time I was at the beach at night was with NY...Oh my. I miss him very much.